The Materalus Chronicals

started a coldplay channel on pandora... lovely song.

Sat, 07 Mar 2009 16:24:35 GMT

Come up to meet you,
Tell you I'm sorry,
You don't know how lovely you are.

I had to find you,
Tell you I need you,
Tell you I set you apart.

Tell me your secrets,
And ask me your questions,
Oh let's go back to the start.

Runnin' in circles,
Comin' in tails,
Heads on a science apart.

Nobody said it was easy,
It's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be this hard.
Oh take me back to the start.

I was just guessin',
At numbers and figures,
Pullin' the puzzles apart.

Questions of science,
Science and progress,
Do not speak as loud as my heart.

Tell me you love me,
Come back and haunt me,
Oh, what a rush to the start.

Runnin' in circles,
Chasin' tails,
Comin' back as we are.

Nobody said it was easy,
Oh it's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be so hard.
I'm goin' back to the start.

Oh ooh ooh ooh ooh ohh,
Ah ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh,
Oh ooh ooh ooh ooh ohh,
Oh ooh ooh ooh ooh ohh.

just getting up

Wed, 14 Jan 2009 14:12:39 GMT

yay it's gorgeous out!

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 21:38:12 GMT

"It is impossible to think of Howard Hughes without seeing the apparently bottomless gulf between what we say we want and what we do want, between what we officially admire and secretly desire, between, in the largest sense, the people we marry and the people we love.

…He is the last private man, the dream we no longer admit."

—	Joan Didion 7000 Romaine, Los Angeles 38

This is what i feel like

Thu, 16 Oct 2008 22:20:28 GMT

JABBERWOCKY by Lewis Carroll
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"

He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought—
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.

And as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! and through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

"And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!"
He chortled in his joy.

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

Thu, 02 Oct 2008 02:35:35 GMT

dear who ever has the time to read this (i commend you),
it's amazing how wasteful I can be with time I can't even relate to you how useful and useless time is right now. it's right at my finger tips, and there it goes, i have this dead apathy... my energy is sucked out of me and i don't want to do anything. i dont' want to read, because that requires me to think too hard.... i don't want to talk to people because i have to generate something to say... i don't want to get up, because that involves getting up and moving around...

this is little bursts of this... not all the time. but i have this great sense of two different things, wanting to be off doing a million things, but then again escaping into nothing and doing nothing. and when i say nothing... i mean doing something mindless... in fact a good example of this great mindlessness is washing dishes. if i could wash dishes... for a month? that would be great.

most of this is me wanting to stop time. i don't know why i feel this way, but i simply view turning twenty as the end of the world. i feel like my youth was stolen from me. i feel like i've wasted so much time. twenty years?! we have at least 4 rounds of those till we die (if we are lucky) and that is it. and poof, i am standing here (sitting here... rather on my bedroom floor) and have what to show for it?!

confusion? breasts? wrinkles?

i feel like school is the last thing i want to think about right now, i jsut want to think about life, the stuff i've been prepared for all my life. i want experience. i don't want to sit here and get sucked into what everyone else is onto the path of. what is the point of being aware when all i am going to do is give into the system!? what is the point of living life if all we do... is give up, get comfortable and don't get around to changing anything?

honestly... the last thing i want to do right now is homework. i don't want to do the essays that will come... do the readings that we will discuss and disect. thank you no. i want to be a little more self involved. i want to get to know me... and i get to know the world around me... i want to live life, and it's a little more simple than just doing that... i have an idea in my head.... but all i know now is that i should get a shower now so i can get into bed by 11 so i can attempt to work with the system... because resisting it thus far does nothing for my nerves.

A wonderful artist who i was made aware of tonight.
Francesca Woodman:

Wed, 01 Oct 2008 04:32:00 GMT

All these people drinking lover's spit
They sit around and clean their face with it
And they listen to teeth to learn how to quit
tied to a night they never met

You know it's time
that we grow old and do some shit
I like it all that way

All these people drinking lover's spit
Swallowing words while giving head
They listen to teeth to learn how to quit
tied to a night they never met

You know it's time
that we grow old and do some shit
I like it all that way

Wed, 01 Oct 2008 03:50:43 GMT

First of all i just want to address the difference a clean shirt does to someone's mood. i don't even know when the last time I washed my clothes, let alone my body (i did both today) and there is just something different about the unnatural smell of the soap that i washed my shirt in.

second: "i don't think we have to be like this forever, because there is more to life then love and being together"

i don't know why i come back to that line over and over, but i do and it's great. tegan and sara are great.

ugh

third. i can't let myself sleep.
i hope tomorrow is mountain day.

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 05:19:42 GMT

i don't know if anyone else feels this way... but i am a little worried about the economy.... and my future while i'm at it.

Sun, 21 Sep 2008 04:24:02 GMT

i can't put into words how amazing it is to sit here and attempt to know where i want to be in a year, or less?

i don't even know what i want in the next week? christ i can't even decide on a stupid haircut. and i am internship shopping?!

Wed, 17 Sep 2008 14:47:40 GMT

reason one to become a sociology major: i get worked up and excited about understanding marx, and talking about communism, captialism and co-ops at 9 in the am.

in fact excited is too tame of a word.

This Time Tomorrow by The Kinks

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 21:28:03 GMT

This time tomorrow where will we be?
On a spaceship somewhere sailing across an empty sea
This time tomorrow what will we know?
Well we still be here watching an in-flight movie show
I'll leave the sun behind me and watch the clouds as they sadly pass me by
Seven miles below ma I can see the world and it ain't so big at all
This time tomorrow what will we see?
Fields full of houses, endless rows of crowded streets
I don't know where I'm going, I don't want to see
I feel the world below me looking up at me
Leave the sun behind me, and watch the clouds as they sadly pass me by
And I'm in perpetual motion and the world below doesn't matter much to me
This time tomorrow where will we be?
On a spaceship somewhere sailing across any empty sea
This time tomorrow, this time tomorrow

Sun, 07 Sep 2008 19:49:29 GMT

i woke up today, twice before i actually decided that it was time to get up.

Once because the girl next door to me was nailing something into the wall... i debated to myself whether to ignore it or not because that is obviously against policy. She's a dumbass for doing it on the wall that faces my room... but i didn't want that to be the first things for me to do... bitch out a girl because she was nailing shit into the wall. i hate my job.

then i woke up a second time because of my alarm... i set an alarm so i don't sleep the whole day through. i can't help but need to somehow feel a little productive... but i set it for a half an hour later.

plus i didn't want to run out on the great dreams that i had been having.

finally when i did wake up, i discovered that my phone somehow found it's way down to the floor... i opened it to find a text from joey telling me that he couldn't go to sleep and that he was going to go running (at 2 am) and was on buenos aires time. well i am glad that he found a way to let out energy. but i guess asleep me did not appreciate my phone making noises an hour after i fell asleep.

finally i got up, and got dressed, which i was reluctant to do because i enjoyed the new feeling of freedom from not having a roommate. then i went to lamont hoping that the dining hall would be fairly empty, but it wasn't but that's okay... i sat on one of the side tables so i could start and attempt to read in spanish... then i saw marianna come in and we sat together and talked. i really like her, she's a great girl, she's never made me feel uncomfortable, or super awkward which is great.

after that i came home and did nothing for awhile, then went downtown and bought a more elaborate spanish dictionary, and went to work out afterwards. i feel like going off and doing something else with my afternoon but i just don't know what.

Sat, 16 Aug 2008 03:53:46 GMT

summer songs:
- paper planes by MIA
- so sorry by feist
- viva la vida by cold play (even though it bugs the shit out of betsey, but covers are quite nice)
- woman by wolfmother
- the various electronic/trance/techno etc songs that were played in betsey's car
- shake it by metro station
- i kissed a girl by katy perry
that salad dressing that has been expired for 5ish months is not a good thing to consume, unless you want to spend the next hour or two vomiting lmao
that shirlington apparently at around 12 turns into make out central
that it is possible to spend $30 on tazo tea
that apparently jenna jameson apparently doesn't cut it anymore, and porn with her in it shall be referred to as "that 40-year-old shit"
that one cannot consume enough of things that come from noodles, potbelly's, and starbucks
that heath ledger is epic. fucking epic, and still surprisingly, and bewilderingly sexy as the joker.
- not to mention the fact that i have the ability of watching that movie 3 times in the span of a week and a halfish
that when jodie rosenberg is texting and calling you, that it is time to get the hell up and answer your phone
that apparently orgasms come in different shapes and sizes, not to mention packaging.
that the most important thing about camping, or it turns into being the focus of camping is food... for three days
- see: 3 pounds of green grapes, yellow plums, 3 apples, 3 oranges, strawberries, 2 loafs of bread, turkey, chicken, 2 packages of cheese, 8 or so luna bars, crisp bread, granola bars, peanut butter AND jelly, marshmallows, gram crackers, fair trade (right?) chocolate)
- also see: stopping at five guys, buying more snacks, stopping at a restaurant before we head off and contemplation of a diner
that "you're killin' me smalls" is possibly the funniest thing you can say to betsey
that betsey sees in doubles... even if that means these two individuals are not in the same state
that your car will be towed from 3am- 6am from shirlington, and that there is a 3 hour limit on retail parking
- see: "eff crystal city", potbelly's, "i'm sure at least 4 people have been killed back here" and the creepiest motel in arlington
that the national civil rights museum in memphis is great, and that i want to discover more about down town memphis
that i need to get on reading "the hite report"
that restraining orders are not dramatic
that i mindlessly consume, which is something i need to work on
that chai tea at bus boys and poets is from vermont
that my self-portrait from last semester does look like me
that i can dye hair successfully, and assist in the shaving of a head
- but have yet to get matt to agree to let me dye is beard purple. eventually he will wake up and realize how much he needs purple facial hair in his life
that hancock is a horrible movie
that i am joey's brothers twin... lmao
that a cop on a motorcycle WILL force you, even if you are going the speed limit, to change lanes and then proceed to speed past you at 15, maybe more, miles.
that it is lovely to watch someone else love someone else... and watch them get married to each other
- it almost makes me want to get married
that "There's no point in just holding a dick. It's like eating a frozen hot dog."
that apparently girls have pillow fights in the underwear and grab each others boobs all the time
that quoting movies is contagious
that ruby possibly has the coolest house on the earth
to "just grab it"
that HRC employees are pretty darn cool
- not only that but that by being in the HRC you are able to bump into other smithies
that i need to be bolder, especially with my voice, and art
that erin somehow inspires me to devise sexcapades with james franco, brendon boyd, and other various celebrities
that guys in clubs are creepy, no matter how you slice it
that it is possible for me not get a sun burn
that choke is a great novel, and has tainted my view on colonial reenactment, sexaholics, and sex, so i will never see it the same way
- see: "For sure, even the worst blow job is better than, say, sniffing the best rose... watching the greatest sunset. Hearing children laugh. I think that I shall see a poem as lovely as a hot-gushing, butt-cramping, gut-hosing orgasm."
  
  -- Chuck Palahniuk, Choke (pg 19)
that my favorite card game is called "spit"
that you can make hangers out of card board pizza boxes
that you can own like 1/8th of a cow
- see: raw milk
that me and mia by ted leo and the pharmacists can also be beautifly covered
that you can visit Trinity, but only one day of the year
that pina colada slurpees are best flavored slurpee that you can get at 7-11
that apparently helicopters fly over matt's house regularly
what inspid means
how to set up a tent, and take it apart, and run for my life from giant spiders
that sleep overs with anna, ruby, and joey need to happen more
- see: dupont, scrambled eggs, metro, tennis, picking up dog poop
that the united states has become even less foreign, and that virginia actually can feel familiar enough to perhaps call home
that i can carry team lucia and matt in b.p.
that apparently you can make your own proverbs
that i should examine situations more closely when i am made to feel guilt
that emotions and feelings are profoundly powerful and lead you in beautiful directions
- see: "See where things take you, and take your time, savor your life." - daisy
- also see: joey

Mon, 28 Jul 2008 05:44:09 GMT

I found this from 5 years ago... some guy in a summer art class i took emailed me it... i couldn't apprciate it then, but now it's beautiful:

Lucia,

I don't know if there's a name that sounds sweeter to me, so sweet to the ear that it could deafen my ears to the caress of all sound, and blind me from the touch of song.
mmhmm. ^_^;; something of a warmth washes over me when I think about that little time I had the privelage to spend around you. I can't really get a good night's sleep anymore, I lay there in a cold sweat thinking, perplexed as how I could feel this way about another person. It's a bit difficult for me because I haven't felt this way about anyone in such a long time, I'd thought I had lost the capacity to do so. But it brings me such happiness to know that I can at least feel such things again. Oh, even if this does go on unrequitted, then I should be content. When I do a get around to sleep it seems you occupy both my waking and sleeping thoughts. You must really have a crush on me, first you show up in my Art class, then pop up in my head whenever you please, and now my dreams! Well, I can't blame you, but hey.

I know this must seem a bit strange, unexpected especially from someone you hardly know. I would usually be a bit more prudent in my actions, but I... well, I suppose one doesn't meet a girl like you every day, and I didn't want to let an opportunity like this pass me again. All I really want is to make sure you know how I feel, I think it's important that you do. Wether you act upon, or how you respond to my profession of affection is of course all up to you. But if anything, you should take some pride in yourself, that you could make a jaded stoic like myself yearn for your sweet affection, then your glistening eyes, or angellic countenance, your smile which make this cruelty that is life seem bright in your warmth...

You're lovely.

It's funny, all I've been looking for is someone else to share a frustration with, an outlet for sexual release, a passive relationship to pretend, to fool myself into thinking that I wasn't really alone. But with you, I just want to be sweet and tender, someone to make happy, innocent and all that bloody mess. Of course it doesnt' seem as if that'll ever come into fruition, but, at least you know.

Maybe it's better this way, nicer somehow.

Well, however you wish to respond I will be understanding, wether you want to respond at all, or never write a word back, as long as you get this then I've done all I set out to do.

Yours,

(took out name... look through 2003 if you really are that desperate to know)

it's beautiful and great. especially since i was in search of other old love letters

Fri, 25 Jul 2008 23:35:16 GMT

i want more time. i want more time.i want more time. i want more time.i want more time. i want more time.i want more time. i want more time.i want more time. i want more time.i want more time. i want more time.i want more time. i want more time.i want more time. i want more time.i want more time. i want more time.i want more time. i want more time.i want more time. i want more time.i want more time. i want more time.

i want more days.
i want more phone calls.
i want more kisses.
i want more hugs.
i want more waiting.
i want more plays.
i want more movies.
i want more car rides.
i want more guiltless infatuation.
i want more looks.
i want more stares.
more smiles.

but maybe it is too much to ask.

choke... so far

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 03:37:46 GMT

"It seemed that moment would last forever. That you had to risk your life to get love. You had to get right to the edge of death to ever be saved."

-- Chuck Palahniuk, Choke (pg 3)

"Here's the cheerleader who gets her stomach pumped and they find a pound of sperm. Her name is LouAnn."

-- Chuck Palahniuk, Choke (pg 11)

"All those scary cautionary tales. We're all here. Alive and unwell."

-- Chuck Palahniuk, Choke (pg 14)

"The truth is, every son raised by a single mom is pretty much born married. I don't know, but until your mom dies it seems like all the other women in your life can never be more than just your mistress."

-- Chuck Palahniuk, Choke (pg 15)

"The old rule about how a thing of beauty is a joy forever, in my experience, even the most beauteous thing is only a joy for about three hours, tops. After that, she'll want to tell you all about her childhood traumas."

-- Chuck Palahniuk, Choke (pg 16)

"For sure, even the worst blow job is better than, say, sniffing the best rose... watching the greatest sunset. Hearing children laugh. I think that I shall see a poem as lovely as a hot-gushing, butt-cramping, gut-hosing orgasm."

-- Chuck Palahniuk, Choke (pg 19)

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 03:25:14 GMT

So i don't know where the time went.

and it scares me... because of my upcoming job (HCA)

and it scares me because of joey... i like him so much.

i like him so much and i'm scared to like him that much, and know that i am going to get hurt.

and i woke up this morning a little angry about if, and everything... just how i sort of feel like i am getting the short end of the stick.

so i went into this well maybe if i avoid it, it won't hurt.

my shrink said that it's understandable to want to avoid hurt especially after what happened with my dad... especially when time is a factor.

i'm conflicted, and a little angry...

the dark knight

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 07:24:00 GMT

the dark knight... i don't even know where to begin.

well i won't just because i wouldn't want to spoil everyone else's experience.

tonight i went with betsey, erin, robbie, matt and jordan.

jordan is an interesing guy, funny... seems reasonably smart... and interesting quite the character. other than the shitty way he has treated betsey which i believe makes him a huge asshole, i like him.

when we were first heading off to the movies he called shot gun, but i had already done that about an hour ahead... so we both raced to the car, attempted to pry each other away from the door and somehow i managed to crawl over him and weasel him out of the way whilst getting my seat belt on. a well won battle if i do say so myself.

matt is a confusing situation. apparently he told betsey a couple of weeks ago or days ago i am not too sure that "if i hang out with lucia too much i might start liking her and hook up with her" after this betsey made it clear that i was seeing someone and that she would do anything in her power to prevent that from happening even if that were not the case... before i knew this happened i had asked him if he was going to come tonight and made him promise to sit next to me. i didn't want to be the only one without someone to talk to just in case the couples were involved with each other. he replied that he was going to try to make some excuse to do so anyway... so didn't reply to that. then i heard what he said to betsey... then when he finally came out of the house when we were waiting from him yesterday evening he came out all dressed up, and in the car to robbies betsey was like "he's pimped out just for you."

now i like this kid, as a friend. sure i have and am attracted to him, sometimes that happens, and although i do mess around with him i made it clear that i was dating someone, without even bring up any feelings he might have.

now... why am i saying all this if i know this?

guilt? for what? ugh, it just shows how well i try to make sure my tracks, which are clean, are covered.

how fucked up is that. that i am still doing that. and i don't need to. i don't have anyone to answer to... well maybe joey, but joey isn't paranoid..... not that i know of... and he's not jealous... that i know of...

and i know how much i like him...

...
...
that is being a lot...

so who am i doing this for?

moving on.

i want to look into the way i view powerful men as sexy... and why violence has to do with that...

heath ledger being the joker... the character is fucked up... he does fucked up things, violent, cruel, unthinkable things...

and yet... and yet there is still an and yet.

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 05:21:51 GMT

lots of things i learned today:

but i want to take a shower and need to get up at seven... so i'll make this short

1. in communication, you not only need to communicate yourself, but ask for a response

2. people post the weirdest things on craig's list

3. that i even though my summer vacation is about 3 months long... it's still too short.

4. i feel a little cheated

5. i impress him

6. (i already knew this one) i love the way he looks at me.

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 03:51:18 GMT

1) what is one thing about you that you hate?
hate is a mighty strong word. i use it too much, way too much. i should speak up for myself more. i am too nice sometimes. but lately i've been working on not letting people walk all over me.

screw being polite, if i'm not happy or i don't like something, that is that. life it too short to live it around other people, and you being scared to inconvience them. it's harmful to the self. i need to be a little more selfish in that way.

i just need to speak up more for myself. which i think i have been, especially with joey i've learnt to be more frank and honest about my feelings which gets us places more, or at least makes me feel more honest and expressed.

2) what is one thing about you that you love?
my taste.

3) if you had to change one thing about you what would it be and why?
the thing above, i thought i covered that.

4) what is one word that you would use to define yourself?
bursting: with passion, feeling, thoughts, opinions, inspiration... i just don't always verbalize it.

5) imagine what you would look like in a perfect world...what do you look like?
i would have the same face, a little taller, maybe five inches taller, with a skinny built body.... and hair that changed with my mood (length, color, style etc.) haha

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 03:43:16 GMT

1. You have the summer and plenty of money to travel abroad. Where all would you go?
I think i would got to portugal, simply because yesterday i saw this goregous picture of it and i want to be there right now. At least that is where i would start. I think from there i would want to meet up with konstantin and dana (because apparently, from what he said) and travel around europe. I want to go to europe.

although a lot of my friends seem to be heading to asia, and that would also be a nice adventure. I want to go everywhere is it's hard to say specifically where i want to go.

2. What foods would you be sure you got to eat?
Anything and everything good. Things that are strickly foreign... screw that american shit.

3. What landmarks would you be sure you got to see?
I don't know anything about portugal. but europe, i would go to germany... see the wall, paris, the tower... england big ben... but i don't know, i think i would enjoy the places that were less landmarky, but more just everyday beauty. I am sept away more by everyday shit than tourist attractions, always have been. i mean some of that stuff is interesting, but it's been stuffed down my throat for so long, it's not new anymore. i want something new, fresh, something that hasn't every had anything to do with my life until that moment. something a local does though, everyday.

4. What airline would you use?
I wouldn't... if i had all the time in the world. If i didn't, probably british because i've never flown with them and i want those fucking lay back and sleep chairs.

5. Would your knowledge of other languages influence where you went? (i.e. would you be more likely to go to France if you spoke French)
I am not going to let me not knowing the language deter me from going somewhere.

Thu, 22 May 2008 08:11:45 GMT

i fucking hate every single time i wrote the word "parents" in my live journal because it makes me miss my dad even more.

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 03:15:59 GMT

Louise: Remember when we first met?
Jimmy: Yeah.
Louise: What happened? Tell me what you said.
Jimmy: I said you had a nice pair of eyes.
Louise: And what did I say? You remember?
Jimmy: Yeah, you shut 'em. Asked me if I knew what color they were?
Louise: And what's you say?
Jimmy: I didn't know.
Louise: [She covers his eyes] Jimmy, what color are my eyes?
Jimmy: They're brown.

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 04:37:48 GMT

"i'm against nature, i don't dig nature at all... the only truly natural things are dreams, which nature cannot touch or decay"

"the more you live a certain way, the less it feels like freedom"

i need my freedom. i don't know if this is working anymore...

"because relations are always ambigious, and i continuely fail to communicate because i continue to blame myself even when i am not to blame... because each failing has caused me to be more removed from myself... and from you... for all these reasons and many more i must listen i must look around more than ever, i must leave."

Fri, 04 Apr 2008 00:34:54 GMT

things that make me happy: watching ron paul on you tube. he's fucking nuts.